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Works of Fiction


After a 15 month inquiry, [Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards, John Lyon] said: “Ms Dorries was not in breach of the rules of the House in claiming against Parliamentary allowances for her constituency home.”

But she was criticised for comments on her blog which “suggested that she spent the majority of her weekends in the constituency, whilst she had told the Commissioner that nearly all weekends were spent in her main home”.

Explaining the discrepancy, she told the watchdog: “My blog is 70% fiction and 30% fact.

“It is written as a tool to enable my constituents to know me better and to reassure them of my commitment to Mid Bedfordshire.

“I rely heavily on poetic licence and frequently replace one place name/event/fact with another.

“In the light of the bullying onslaught of the Daily Telegraph (which reported the claims about her expenses) I used my blog to its best effect in reassuring my constituents of my commitment to Mid Beds. My commitment is absolute and is always my first consideration regardless of where I sleep at night.

“However, I have always been aware that should my personal domestic arrangements become the knowledge of my political opponents, they would be able to exaggerate that to good effect. Hence the reason for my blog and my need to reassure my constituents.”

She also told Mr Lyon that she had wanted to maintain “some degree of a private life” and that, although she was often in the constituency at weekends, as she had said on her blog, that did not mean she slept there.

BBC News

Bloody typical. At a time when politicians are slashing public spending, the least the public can hope for is that they’re on the level, they’re being straight with us. Then it turns out that either a) Nadine Dorries has been lying through her teeth on her blog to make her life easier; or b) she’s lying about lying, again, to make her life easier. Well, the truth is making life difficult for most people, so I can see her point. But seeing as the rest of us have to deal with cold, hard reality, it’s only fair that our Parliamentarians do as well. Instead, the people of Mid Bedfordshire have been told their MP is out and about, listening to them at this time when more than ever, we need our representatives in our corner, but the reality is that she’s been doing anything but.

I was reflecting on how appalling this is with my driver, Alphonse, as he ferried me in the Jag to my luxury penthouse. After complimenting me on how fit and handsome I looked, he suggested that I might wish to blog about it.

“I will,” I said, “Right after I write a letter to the ‘Will Patterson for First Minister’ Campaign.”

It breaks my heart to turn the 1,000,000 signatories of the petition down, but, well, if I decide to go poncing about in Bute House, I won’t have time to play at left back for Scotland. Still, Craig Levein’s spent so much time and effort getting me to accept the call-up and Alex will be thrilled to know that not only is his job safe, but that my endorsement will guarantee him a landslide victory.

Still, a donation to the campaign might not go amiss, just in case, so I’ll send him a couple of million – I’m making that amount in interest about every month so it’s all good. I must remember to get that sorted before the people from the Hello! magazine turn up. Turns out I’m rather in demand of late, and that the string of high-profile affairs has actually done me good. I guess there really is no such thing as bad publicity!

But then again, sometimes I do wish the paparazzi would leave me alone. Their intervention means I’m having to spend more and more time in my bolt-hole in the South of France. I mean, it’s a nice place and all, but with its ten bedrooms, it’s rather big for little old me. What to do, what to do?

I haven’t been this torn since Rangers and Wigan met each other in the Champions’ League Final.

Er, anyway, what was I saying?

Ah yes, now I remember. If you’re going to post fiction, make it wild and make it fun, but definitely don’t post it as fact. Especially not when you’re an elected politician: at times when Government is inflicting pain across the board, the last thing the public want is to be lied to so needlessly while it’s happening to them.

After all, if Nadine Dorries sees nothing wrong in making stuff up just for the sake of a little peace and quiet (incidentally, does she only put the letters ‘MP’ after her name during business hours?), and people only find out when she spills the beans to save her skin in a Parliamentary Standards investigation, can the people of Mid Bedfordshire trust her with anything?


From → Politics

  1. Matt permalink

    very nicely done

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